Thoughtful Thursday: Part 4 of Autumn's Birth Story - Looking Back

It's been nearly 2 months since Autumn was born and the memory of the moment we met is still very vivid in my mind. I remember barely being able to open my eyes to see her coming out. I remember her first cry, the look on Dan's face, the announcement of her weight. I remember holding her for the first time and remarking on how beautiful she was. I always thought it was gross to kiss a newborn baby since they're so dirty when they come out, but I remember the first kiss I placed on her forehead without any hesitation. All of those moments are so clear.

When I try to remember how contractions felt, my exhaustion, and my severe discomfort in the days following her birth, it's as if they've been drowned out completely. I can remember the events, but not the pain associated with them. Whereas, with all of my "good" memories, I can remember that unique amount of joy so well. Sometimes thinking about it still makes me cry (like right now, lol).

After people had read my birth and recovery stories, I received a lot of comments saying, "I'm never having babies!" This was definitely not the response I was hoping for! I truly wanted my birth story to encourage, not discourage! Since I've reread what I wrote, I can understand why people would respond that way.

I think that most moms (hopefully some, at least!) would agree that reading birth stories after you've had a baby is completely different from reading them before you've had one. In my own experience, reading difficult birth stories when I was pregnant was semi-upsetting. I didn't want to believe that it could be so hard and I certainly didn't want to face up to the reality that it was going to be painful if I wanted to do it without medication. Not to mention that there is a huge fear of childbirth already so rampant in our society. From the time we are little our moms guilt trip us with, "I was in labor for X amount of hours with you, young lady!" Etc. Why are children punished for their parents labor experience? [Note to self: never punish Autumn for what I went through.] It makes labor frightening before we ever even know what labor is! Then there's those awesome TV shows that only show the most dramatic births and every person in world telling you that you're crazy if you don't want to have drugs (including men, who have no idea what they're talking about) and what a horrible experience it is. Man, we really are set up to be horrified of it from such a young age. It's so sad! [Second note to self: Encourage Autumn about the beauty of the birth experience].

Now that Autumn is here and I've been through the whole experience, I look at birth stories in a whole new way. I am encouraged by every woman's strength. I am in awe of their ability to push past pain and exhaustion. And every time I read a new story I am reminded of my own and how much I love my daughter and how I would go through it all again and more just for her.

The other day I got a unique perspective on telling birth stories to women who are pregnant. You might remember my post, what to avoid saying to pregnant strangers. Number 4 basically stated, "never share your birth horror stories." Clearly I've broken that rule. However, even though some of you might think differently, I don't view what I went through as being a "horror story". This unique perspective I was given was this: Moms don't tell their birth stories to frighten women out of having babies or increase a pregnant woman's anxiety. Moms tell their birth stories to say, 'hey, I've been there, done that. I've survived, and I've got a whole new wonderful life to show for it."

And that's what I want to say to you all. I've gone through the roughest few days I have ever had to go through in my life and I can't even remember any of the pain! All I remember is the joy and love, Dan's amazing support and Autumn's sweet face. Nothing compares to what comes after the hard work. I don't think of my birth story as horrifying. I think of it as the most amazing life changing event that brought Dan and I closer than ever and a beautiful new girl into our lives. I wouldn't change any second of it.

So, for all the pregnant women who read this: Remember that each experience is unique, just as each life is unique. I hope that you can look past your fear of the unknown and remember what comes next. I hope you choose to share your own stories of love and empowerment once your little new life has arrived!

For all the non-pregnant women who read this: By the time you are ready to try for a baby, every fear of childbirth will disappear as you look forward to the possibility of creating a new life. But, somewhere around 20 weeks into your pregnancy (it could happen at any time really, or not at all. That's just when it happened for me), you'll probably start to freak out about the reality that somehow or another that baby has to come out of you. Relax, breathe, and remember. Billions of women have been there, done that, and lived to tell their own unique and wonderful story. Get excited about your own!

And for every mom who reads this: You rock. :)

Thus concludes Autumn's birth story.

Until next time,
Amy

We take a break from the regular broadcast for...

Autumn's Birth story!

The story will be delivered over the next few days in 4 installments.

Day 1: Introduction and Part 1 - Expectations
Day 2: Part 2 - Labor and Delivery
Day 3: Part 3 - Recovery
Day 4: Part 4 - Looking Back

Enjoy!

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Introduction

My birth story isn’t the typical, “I went into labor at 6 am, started pushing at 10 pm, baby arrived at 11 pm, and everything went according to plan.” It’s a story of egotistical expectations, intense pain and emotion, difficult disappointments, horrible recovery, and a (somewhat) spiritual retrospection. I am not writing this story so that I can remember all the “bad” parts of labor, but so that I can share how I learned from my experience and came to peace with what occurred. I hopefully will not frighten any soon-to-be mothers, since my story is personal and unique. And before you start reading, I want you to know two very important things: 1. I am not angry or disappointed about my labor or recovery and 2. The outcome of this story is that I have a beautiful and healthy daughter that came into this world in her own spectacular way and I wouldn’t change anything about it.

I hope that this story turns out to be one of hope and success, instead of fear and resentment.

Part 1 – My expectations

In preparation for the birth of Autumn, Dan and I took a month long Childbirth class, a breastfeeding class, and a newborn care class. It was my intention from the beginning of pregnancy to have a birth experience free of medication and intervention. I have always been horrified of the epidural needle and the thought of having a caesarian section scared me half to death. More than the fear of needles and surgery, however, was an underlying sense that I could accomplish giving birth without medicine because women have been doing it that way forever. “Natural” childbirth seemed manageable and I wanted that sense of empowerment that came with being able to overcome pain and pushing our child out on my own.  The childbirth class instilled a sense of righteousness in me; something similar to, “I am woman, hear me roar.”

I was so caught up in believing I would have a natural labor that I looked down on people who had birth stories that included an epidural. Actually, as soon as I saw the word “epidural” I would scoff and quit reading. I wouldn’t listen to people who told me that labor is so painful that I would be begging for some sort of pain relief. I thought anyone who had medicine was weak and, honestly, annoying. It seemed like everyone I knew took the “easy” road. But who was I to judge what the “easy” road was for each person, especially since I’d never gone through it before.

When I wrote out my birth plan I made sure to write in there that I wanted to have a med-free birth and I did not want to be offered any kind of pain management whatsoever. I made sure both of my labor partners – Dan and Meredith (my sister-in-law) – knew that I did not want the epidural and if I, in moments of weakness, asked for it, they would be sure to talk me out of it – as harshly as need be.

I thought my labor would last for a maximum of 24 hours, starting out slowly and building up with regularity to a decent intensity, but never being more than I could handle. I imagined being at home for most of the laboring process and arriving at the hospital having only a couple hours left to go before the baby arrived. I didn’t think my water would break until I was in the pushing stage or unless I wasn’t progressing and the midwife decided to break it to help speed up the process. I thought I would have to push for a maximum of an hour – because I’d be such an awesome pusher! – and then the baby would come out without complications. Maybe I would have a first degree tear, but nothing too severe and I probably wouldn’t need stitches. When the baby was crowning, I was going to touch her head and when she came out she was going to be placed immediately on my chest. We would start breastfeeding within the hour and she would be good at it. And after the birth, when we were sent to postpartum care, our new baby would never leave my side. I wouldn’t be tempted to send her to the nursery for a few hours to recover – because I just wouldn’t need it. Remember, “I am woman, hear me roar!”

Needless to say, I had this “perfect” labor planned out in my mind.

Absolutely none of it came true.



My first "Thoughtful Thursday"

Hi friends!

I hope you like the new blog design. I know, it's nothing too fancy, but I'm super proud of myself for creating that banner up top all by my lonesome! :)

Anyway, today is the first "Thoughtful Thursday". If you're confused as to what that is, check out my new tab titled, "About me and the blog". I've created a schedule for the blog. Every Thursday I'll be writing about whatever is on my mind. And today that is...

Having a baby!

I mean, what else could possibly be running through my head now that I am officially a week overdue?! Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining here. I actually haven't minded being pregnant in the past week. Ironically I was more annoyed with being pregnant at 39 weeks that I am today at 41. I suppose that's because there is now a very clear end in sight. I have a midwife appointment tomorrow and my induction is scheduled for June 1st. That means that within one week from today, Dan and I will officially be referring to each other as "mommy" and "daddy". Hahaha. Oh, who would have ever thought that day would come.

What I am looking forward to:

1. Finally being able to see her sweet face. I know that I'll miss her kicks and squirms, but I've been dying to see what she looks like!

2. Getting to know her personality. My mom swears that she's going to be stubborn because she's refusing to come out of me. I promptly told her that I disagree since she's just so comfortable in there and doesn't actually know any better - I mean, who would actually want to leave the womb if they knew what kind of place the world is!? Plus, I'm a firm believer in that your children are what you affirm them to be and I don't want her to start out her life being known as "the stubborn one".

3. Seeing Dan in his new role as a father. The other day we were at the mall and this sweet little girl was walking by holding hands with her dad and she peeked around his legs and smiled right at Dan. He looked at me and said in the sweetest voice, "I want one!" I know he's going to be an amazing dad.

4. All the sewing and craft projects I get to do for her. I want to get started immediately, but I also want to wait and see what kinds of things she likes so I can make her things she'll play with and love to wear.

5. Teaching her to do crafts with me. Is it awful that I dream about this? I mean, I literally dream about sitting around the kitchen table doing crafts with her. Those are my favorite kinds of dreams. Obviously this won't happen for a while, but I really am looking forward to it.

6. Snuggling. I'm such a touchy person. I love hugs and I especially love snuggling with babies. :) I've really missed being able to give my nieces really great hugs in the past 5 months due to my emerging belly. Soon, I get to snuggle with my daughter and give my nieces those long overdue bear hugs that last 5 minutes each.

7. My feet no longer being swollen. Yep, for the past week my feet have not stopped swelling. Dan calls them block feet. If you press on them, the indent will stay there for at lest 30 seconds before they swell back up again.

8. No longer experiencing horrible pubic bone and back pain. This one's a no brainer. :)

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Those are just a few of the things I am looking forward to the most. I can't wait to show you pictures of her! And, for good measure, here's a picture of me today at 41 weeks. Sorry for the crap photo. It was very difficult trying to take a self-portrait. Try not to gawk!

 

Until Next Time,

Amy

P.S. Tomorrow is Fotography Friday! So, if I don't have a baby tonight, check for that post!

35/35!

Today I made it to the 35/35 mark. Meaning: 35 weeks down, 35 days to go! I can't tell if time is flying or if it's going ridiculously slow. Part of me is thinking, "Hurry up already, I wanna meet my baby (and, you know, be done with being pregnant)!" and the other part is thinking, "Oh, holy crap, my life is about to be completely turned upside down and I am about to have a LIFE that is 100% dependent on my irresponsible self." It's really amazing how each of those thoughts run through my head, one after the other, all day, every day. Haha. I know, I know, I'll be completely fine when she gets here and my innate mothering skills will just appear out of nowhere. (RIGHT?!?!) But, what about my driving skills? Are those suddenly going to be so stellar that I will never get in an accident when she's in the car? Like, I'll suddenly have ninja reflexes that allow me to avoid danger that's completely out of my control? I mean, I've never been in an accident and I consider myself to be a pretty decent driver, but I'm going to be so on edge every time I get behind the wheel now! What about the little things that are totally going to slip my mind, like covering the outlets before she can stick her finger in them? That one I actually have a solution for, of course, but things like this keep making their way into the forefront of my mind and freaking me out! I hope I'm not one of those insanely crazed, psychotically overbearing moms who freaks out every time their child eats a tiny piece of dirt....(No offense, of course, to moms who are like that).

On another - related - note, anyone remember that song, "I'm too sexy"? Well, I've made up a new song that fits the way I feel at the moment. It's called, "I'm too fatty" and it goes a little like this:

I'm too fatty for my bed,
too fatty for my joints,
too fatty to walk.

Seriously, though. It's amazing what an extra 20 pounds will do to you when you're already overweight to begin with.

Here's my 35 week picture:

Enough with the pregnancy ramblings, now on to the crafting! I was quite busy these past 2 days.

Yesterday I took a trip to the fabric store, cut out everything to make my friend Emily's purse, a Boppy pillow, and a Boppy cover. Let me tell you, if you're ever looking into learning to sew, buy a good pair of scissors. They could cost you $20-40, but the time and pain they save you is so amazing! Seriously, scissors are the key.

Last night I sewed the Boppy pillow.

 

It's a little lumpy, but that's what I get for using Polyester Fiberfill since I couldn't find a better pillow stuffing. Oh well, it will serve its purpose. And, yes, that is my belly sticking out - I couldn't move it out of the way apparently.

Tomorrow I'll sew the Boppy cover out of these 2 adorable fabrics. I'm so excited. The bird print is one of my all-time favorites!!

Today, I spent about 6 hours completing Emily's purse. It went MUCH faster than the last purse since I knew what all the directions meant, I'd been through the process before, and I threw out some steps that seemed (and were) completely superfluous. It's the same purse that I made for Meredith. I just used a different fabric, obviously. She told me her favorite color is pink, so I got a cute, colorful canvas fabric that had 2 different shades of pink in it and then spiced it up on the inside with a bright pink lining. I really hope she likes it!

I only hope it looks as good on her as it does on Dan. :)

Until next time,
Amy