Thoughtful Thursday - Part 3 of Autumn's Birth Story: The Recovery

I should start out with a caveat: if you thought the labor and delivery portions of my birth story were honest, this is much more so. It’s also a little bit disgusting. So, if you don’t have the stomach for bodily fluids, I would suggest not reading the rest of this. Otherwise, read on!  

Recovery –

They say that labor and delivery is like running a marathon, and it’s true. What they don’t say is that recovery can be like running 5 more marathons, one right after the other. That’s how it felt for me, at least. 

After she was born and the visitors left and I got that one hour of sleep due to my sudden decrease in blood pressure, they took us up to recovery. I had only slept for 3 hours in the previous 68, so needless to say, I was completely exhausted. I knew that the hospital looked down on babies being in the nursery, but at that point I couldn’t care less what they thought of me. I knew we needed to get at least a couple hours of uninterrupted sleep, so we asked the nurse to take her to the nursery. She was there for about an hour and a half before they brought her back to me so I could feed her. I slept for maybe a half an hour during that time, because the first hour the nurse spent explaining different important things to us about how to care for a baby. Dan and I were so tired that the only thing I remember is how to use the suction bulb. I couldn’t believe they thought it would be a good idea to give us an hour long spiel when we had just been through the hardest few days (thus far) of our lives. 

When they brought Autumn back into the room, I nursed her and was able to get a couple more minutes of sleep before breakfast was brought in and people started coming in and out of the room at pretty regular intervals. I ended up taking an hour long nap sometime later that day, but that was it. Around 1 am, Autumn started cluster feeding. I literally switched her from one breast to the other non-stop for 8 hours. I let Dan sleep that night, so he could at least recover a little bit, since I couldn’t anyway. 

The next day was a little bit better, but I still didn’t sleep much. She was having trouble latching on to the right side, but every time a lactation consultant would visit, she would latch on without any problems whatsoever. I figured there wasn’t really actually a problem with her latch after all, and decided not to worry.

Every time I used the restroom I had to have some assistance. I had to have help sitting down on the toilet, then I needed help getting the spray bottle ready (what I used instead of toilet paper to clean myself), then I needed assistance standing up and putting together everything that went in my underwear. Not only did I have to change to new underwear, but I also had put a giant pad in there (and I mean giant) and then an ice pack pad followed by witch hazel pads. So, it was quite an ordeal. Around 2 pm, we ran out of supplies and called the nurse’s station for help. 3 hours later we still didn’t have any supplies and I needed to go to the restroom. At the same time, Autumn was screaming. I went to the bathroom while Dan called down to the nurse’s station again to get them to bring us what we needed. 10 minutes later I was still sitting on the toilet in a lot of pain, waiting for them to bring it. When I realized I couldn’t sit any longer, I got in the shower and stood in there for another 30 minutes after Dan called a final time for help. When they brought all the stuff in, I was so exhausted I could barely move. I had been holding myself up in the shower with my arms because my legs were so shaky. It took me a couple hours to recover from that, but I was on Percocet so the pain didn’t bother me too much, just the exhaustion. That night I got a couple more hours of sleep and the next day we were discharged. 

When we arrived home, Dan and I felt great. I talked to my mom on skype, nursed Autumn at about 4:30 pm, and then we all laid down together for a nap. 2 hours later his parents brought us an awesome roast for dinner. 

Autumn started crying about an hour before they arrived and I tried to feed her. She wouldn’t latch on, was getting more and more frustrated, and then started crying even harder. Dan offered to hold her while I ate dinner so that we could try to feed her again after I was done. A couple bites into dinner, however, and I started feeling nauseous. I hadn’t had a bowel movement since before the baby was born and I was horrified about how it was going to feel, knowing that I’d nearly torn through the anal sphincter. The fear added to my nausea. I went into the bathroom and tried to sit down on the toilet, but it hurt too much to sit down. It felt like my stitches were ripping apart. So, instead, I stood hovering over the toilet for about half an hour waiting for something to happen. Nothing did, but my nausea kept on. Generally when I feel nauseous I take a hot shower to calm my stomach. So, I got in the shower and I started feeling better, but I still needed to use the bathroom. My legs were shaking and I didn’t think I could stand much longer when Dan came in to see if everything was alright. I told him that I really needed to poop and that I couldn’t stand on my own much longer. He climbed in the shower with me and let me hold on to him for support. (All the while, Dan’s parents were trying to calm our upset baby). It started to feel like stuff was about to come out when I realized I wasn’t going to have time to get out of the shower and over the toilet and I apologized to Dan who was standing there while I went to the bathroom right there in the tub. I was half horrified, though incredibly grateful. The whole time I kept apologizing and Dan just kept reassuring me that it was okay. I was worried how we were going to clean it up and when I mentioned that to him, he just said, “don’t worry about it, I can clean it. It’s okay.” 

When that was over I went back out to see if I could eat some dinner, but I felt nauseous again and I realized I had to go back to the bathroom. This time I was able to get it in the toilet, instead of the tub. Since I had stitches, I wasn’t supposed to use any toilet paper, but I couldn’t reach to clean myself with the spray bottle, so Dan had to do it for me. Let’s just say that didn’t go too smoothly, because I had to lean really far forward… and the spray ended up hitting me in the face. Gross. (We actually laughed hysterically when this happened because it reminded us so much of one of our favorite movies – Death at a Funeral the British version). 

After that, Dan cleaned the entire bathroom with bleach, while I tried to feed the baby. It was around 9 pm at that point and she still screamed every time I tried to even get her close to latching on. I was so exhausted and so frustrated and so upset because I felt like I couldn’t do anything to soothe my daughter. She kept crying for a couple more hours before we asked Dan’s dad to go to the store and get us a breast pump. During those hours, I made 2 more trips to the bathroom, repeated the same crazy debacle, Dan cleaned again, and I felt increasingly weak each time. I started crying whenever we tried to get her to latch on because I knew how hungry she was and I felt useless. Not only was I unable to care for daughter, but I couldn’t even care for myself. Dan, of course, was awesomely sensitive and sweet the entire time ensuring me that everything was okay. Luckily, Dan’s parents were there the entire time to help us with Autumn every time I needed Dan for myself. They were amazing. 

When Dan’s dad got back with the breast pump and everything got sterilized and ready to use, it was around 1 am. Autumn was still screaming. I tried pumping, but literally 1 drop came out of each side. I cried some more out of frustration. All I wanted to do was feed her! Finally I realized that we had formula that had been mailed to us as a promotion, so I had Dan make the formula. By 3:30, when the formula was ready, she hadn’t eaten in 11 hours, had been screaming for nearly 9 hours, and I just prayed it would work and she would eat. Thank goodness, she ate. She went to sleep and 2 hours later she woke up again. Dan got up, got the formula ready, gave me the bottle and I fed her again. 2 hours later, we did the same thing. I was so ridiculously relieved that she ate the formula and seemed satisfied and I was so exhausted that I decided, to hell with breastfeeding! 

I didn’t go back to sleep after the third feeding and by 10am I started feeling more pain where my tear had been. All of the pain killers I’d been given in the hospital had worn off. I was so exhausted from the ordeal the night before that I couldn’t stand up straight. I was literally bent at the hip, walking at a nearly 45 degree angle. I called the pediatrician to consult with her about Autumn’s feeding the day before. We set up an appointment for later in the afternoon. 

My pain kept increasing and it truly felt like my stitches had ripped open. I was in so much pain. I couldn’t walk. I couldn’t stand. I couldn’t sit. I couldn’t even lie down. At around noon I passed a blood clot about 3 inches in diameter and totally freaked out. I had Dan call the midwife and we talked about what had happened and I explained to her how much pain I was in and that I thought a stitch had been ripped. She told me that the clot was okay and that it was very unlikely that my stitches had ripped open. She asked if I had pain meds and when I said no she was very surprised. She offered to call in a prescription for Tylenol 3 and I agreed. 

Autumn’s appointment was at 3:30. It took me 10 minutes just to walk from our apartment to the car. Another 5 minutes just to get in the car. I couldn’t just sit down in the seat like I normally do. I had to climb in head first, go partially into the driver’s seat, then slowly lower my butt into the passenger seat. It was so difficult and extremely painful. Dan’s mom came with us to the pediatrician to help us out – and thank goodness she did. When we got to the doctor’s office, Dan tried to help me get out of the car and into the wheel chair the receptionist found for us, but I couldn’t get out of the seat without feeling like I was ripping in two. Dan and his mom went in to see the doctor with Autumn and I stayed in the car and slept. 30 minutes later, the pediatrician came out to the car to talk to me. We were originally thinking of switching doctors because of where they were located, but that changed our minds. I was very grateful that she was willing to do that for me. She reassured me that Autumn was perfectly healthy. She suggested I try breastfeeding again, but I didn’t want to even think about that. 

After the pediatrician visit, we went directly to the hospital because of the pain I was in. Dan literally had to pick me up out of the car. I couldn’t offer any of my own strength at all – I didn’t have any. Luckily he’s been working out! We made it there just before the clinic closed and the midwife was able to check to see if I had ripped any stitches. Although all the stitches were still intact, I did have another tear. Yes, another new tear. She told me she wanted to cauterize it and that it was going to burn but in the long run it would do the most good. I agreed but started crying before she ever even touched me with the silver nitrate. After all the pain of labor, the exhaustion of getting little to no sleep, failing at breastfeeding, and being in pain from the new tear, I couldn’t stomach the thought of anything more. It was over before I knew it, however, and 5 minutes later all the sting from the cauterizing was gone. I was still hurting, but she sent me home with a prescription for lidocaine (a numbing gel) and Tylenol 3. 

Dan drove to the pharmacy, got the pain medication, took me home, fed me some food, and gave me the medication, then promptly had me go to sleep. I slept for just an hour before waking up and eating dinner. I felt amazing. I couldn’t feel any pain because I was numb and because of the Tylenol. Since I wasn’t hurting anymore, I had a much clearer head. Throughout the entire pregnancy I knew I wanted to breastfeed Autumn because of the health benefits for her. Formula was incredibly tempting because of how much difficulty we were having, but I really wanted to try to give breastfeeding another chance, so I did. She latched on that night without any problem. We decided, though, that Dan would feed her formula for the rest of that night and we’d go back to breastfeeding full time the next day so that I could sleep that night and recover. (What an awesome husband I have… seriously). He stayed up with her and fed her, and I got nearly 10 hours of sleep. 

I awoke the next morning feeling like a new person. Recovery was looking up. I had energy and very little pain. It was wonderful. Meredith and Marshall asked if they could come over that afternoon to visit with Autumn and because of how I was feeling, I agreed. By the time they got there though, I had already started feeling nauseous. This was a complete bummer because they brought me my favorite sub – something I’d been craving for 9 months but couldn’t eat since lunch meat was off limits during my pregnancy. I took one bite and knew I wouldn’t be able to eat any more. 

I excused myself and went to the bathroom. I sat in there for 30 minutes waiting to see if I was really nauseous of if I just needed to have a bowel movement. I got in the shower to quell the nausea, but it didn’t really help. Dan came in to check on me once I was out of the shower and I told him I needed something to puke into. He grabbed the trash can and went to go get a new trash bag, but it was too late. I grabbed his arm to pull him back and he held the bucket while I puked. I just shook my head in disbelief afterwards. I went from feeling fantastic to puking in just hours. Why, after all I’d already been through, did that have to happen? For the next 5 hours I had vomiting and diarrhea. Dan’s dad watched Autumn while Dan held the bucket for me because I was too weak to do it myself. When I slept, he sat next to me in a chair reading just in case I needed him. 

I managed to get a decent amount of sleep again that night after everything calmed down and decided I wouldn’t take anymore Tylenol 3 because my mom suggested I might be allergic to the codeine in it. Dan’s dad also suggested not taking it, because he typically has similar reactions to those drugs as well. 

I woke up feeling better and was able to breastfeed Autumn again. She latched on immediately without any problems which was such a huge relief! We’ve been exclusively breastfeeding ever since. 

After my stomach sickness, everything went back to normal and has been that way ever since. 

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Next Thursday will be Part 4 – Looking Back on the experience.  

Until Then,

Amy